improve this essay also write a 100 words paragraph to explain changes from draft 1 to the final draft

INTRODUCTION: Excellent start to the paper that makes me want to read more. Nice transition to your topic. I should see two sentences that represent your thesis statement and preview of main points; I think at the moment you have too many sentences. ORGANIZATION: Be consistent with the following: a.) internal summaries that describe what the point was about before you move to the next point, b.) transitions that connect one main point to the next, and c.) topic sentences that tell me what the main points are and how they support your thesis. CONTENT: Lots of great information here. I like the inclusion of details and explanations. At times I think using more description and even definitions would be useful. Great job incorporating your outside sources. More framing of the main points will help the overall logical flow of your paper. CONCLUSION: Fair closure for the paper, though I’d like to see a bit more elaboration here. Perhaps go back to your attention-getter of your paper? Be sure to concisely restate your thesis and review your main points. CITATIONS: Works Cited needs minimal revision. In-text citations also need minor revision. FORMAT: Consistent errors in grammar, spelling, and sentence structure. Make sure to give this paper a good read-through on your own or, ideally, with someone else.

 

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